Me vs Myself

    Ok I woke up on this rainy morning and felt kinda down wishing and wanting things I probably shouldn’t worry about. But then I said fuck it if I want it I should get it. I was not placed on this Earth to not enjoy the fruits of my labor. I started to reminisce about the days when I didn’t second guess myself, the days when I made every episode one to remember. Damn, what happened to Nique. He got replaced with some dude named Dom. 

      I don’t really like Dom he is boring and too cautious. But all Nique did was get high and go to jail, at least Dom works and tries to help others. That’s true but look at his face he don’t smile like Nique, talk like Nique are even vibe like Nique! Well all that’s true but we need Dom to keep Nique in check, so what do we do to bring the two together? You know if we combine the two we well have the best of both worlds.

   So this is what I told myself after the debate I was having with Nique. If you two don’t get along with one another then Dominic is going to fail. Then guess what both of y’all loose. So Dom being the semi responsible one extends his hand to Nique and says let’s do it, Nique smiles that goofy grin and bear hugs him. I don’t know about you all but that was a major stepping stone. Cause my angel and my demon just agreed to work together to save Dominic!

My strongest addiction

Why is it that one of the most beautiful and essential things in life is also  one of the most painful and dangerous? Love,yes I used the four letters that change lives for better or worse. It is the only thing besides death none of us can avoid. It starts with are admiration for are parents and then we start experimenting with the feelings of infatuation and lust. But what happens when you get the opportunity and it blows up in your face. Do you place a deep freezer in your chest and say never again, well most of us try to. But guess what God likes when you do that. It gives him a challenge, have you noticed when you try to ban those four letters it seems our savior places someone in your life to erase the pain and restore the faith?

    I have been addicted to many things in my life,but the one addiction I can never counqer and don’t want to is love. It is a subscription to happiness and the feeling of being complete. It is the foundation you need to build a solid foundation on. Please don’t think I’m only speaking of love from the opposite sex, I’m speaking on love from the people around you. The ones that you love to share love with. Just look at some of the children living in horrific conditions and how they smile through it all. Because there love tank is still on full, and they share it amongst one another freely. So while you raise your children, take a note and learn to love whole hearted again from them. I say this all the time it’s the each one teach one theory!

The beauty of the struggle

Have you ever heard the expression it’s a beautiful struggle? Then sat back and asked yourself how in the hell can a struggle be beautiful. Easy, anytime you go through trails and tribulations it’s part of the beautiful process of life. Let me share with you this one thing that opened my eyes to the beauty of pain. When I was incarcerated I used to sat in my window and listen to the rain and wish I could feel it on my skin,are just be sitting in my car with the music down low just watching rain drops hit the windshield. See most people see the rain and it turns there mood gloomy. But when your no longer able to enjoy a task that seems so simple it is a daily struggle to find peace. Simple things like being able to take a shower without shower shoes are the sound of a car starting. 

        See the beauty we see in the the things we love can only be appreciated when life puts you on punishment. Remember the days your parents would ground you for a week,when that week was up everything we did last week seemed like the most important thing in life. So the struggle only intensifies the appreciation for all life’s joy. So when the rain stops and the sun shines, frowns turn upside down and those crooked smiles light up the world. So as long as a lesson is learned from every mistake,there can be a story told over dinner that brings laughter wisdom with appreciation for the struggle.

That feeling !

I’m a paint you this picture,so please block everyone out and as you read visualize! So there is this lil 16 year old kid I know who is always talking about how he loves life. I know,why is that such a bad thing,it’s not it’s the opposite. But one day I pulled up and he had this I’m a kill the world and fuck you don’t preach to me look on his face. So you know me I still approached lil homie like what’s wrong with you,why you mugging the clouds. His response,dude don’t play me right now I don’t care about nothing are nobody! On my life I hate living right now O.G.

Now I done had so many of those days I know how he feeling and the seriousness of his thoughts. I say damn lil homie,I know how you feeling trust me, but guess what that I don’t give a fuck attitude a get you. He say you the hell away from me with this knowledge shit right now. Damn really,look I know how it is to wake up trying to find purpose and finances in the same breath. How it feels when you having a bad day people act like your wrong for it. Shit I still wake up and feel like the world hate me for being what a been I was raised to be. But I want you to know this, 25 years ago I mastered the art of that attitude and was in the top 5 when it came to living it.

But it cost me about 20 of those years to the state plus 30 grand in child support. So if you don’t want to listen to me preach think about your pockets cause I know you don’t like being broke. He turned and said to me big homie how you always trying to save someone when you need more help than them? It startled me because it’s the truth,but I told him. Because it’s what helps me forget my pain and feel like I’m making a change for the better to help someone avoid my mistakes,it’s called each one teaching one.

What do you do?

Have you ever been talking to one of your people’s and they get a lil tipsy and spill something in a way that you know they hoped hurt you. Well what do you do in that moment be mad at the person who they exposed are them for showing the hatred the bottled up? How about you say fuck them both and keep smiling and just take a note. Because when someone exposes there hands like that there probably holding a lot more than they care to say. I was always told to never try and break one of your folks down because you are going through some things,but build them up because love and happiness have a way of spreading to everyone around you when it’s in the air. Not only that because it’s what genuine people do. Stooping to a individual who let that drunk mouth speak there sober heart is something like a coward, it mainly someone who is not them self. No matter the level of intoxication you should know better than to say something that can destroy anything you worked hard to obtain. But then again it could be a blessing in disguise, you just found the skeletons to the snakes you been searching for.

Please kill me!

There was a story about a woman whose son was killed by a boy who wanted to join a gang. During the trial she told him she was going to kill him. She later went to visit him in prison and they became friends. Years pass and he was given parole he had no place to stay and no family so she tells him he can use her spare bedroom. She even gets him a job through one of her friends. Well about a month after he had been out she called him in the front room and said they needed to talk. He walked in feeling nervous and said here I am. She said remember when I told you I was going to kill you, he nervously said yes mamm. I was and still am worried about that. Her response was I meant what I said but not how you think. I wanted to kill the person who killed my son and since we have been friends I have. You are no longer the same boy who did that,that

person is dead and you have been reborn into the man in front of me now.

I tell you this story to tell you how I was killed, how the no future having no love knowing selfish asshole was killed. In his place came a person most who knew me can’t recognize,and those who just meet me can’t believe I was once that other guy. I feel the need to do the same to a lot of others,this positive genocide is a ploy of the term kill them with kindness. Something I never truly understood until recently. But this process is one that rises a Phoenix out of ashes and turns caterpillars into butterflies. So hopefully this will encourage someone to help someone and kill them with this process and bring them back with a purpose.

90’s EFFECTSπŸ“žπŸ’ΏπŸ“ŸπŸ“

This goes out to all the thirty something’s out there,it’s about one of the best decades to ever pass without us knowing what we were part of. The nineties, yes that was the time I grew and became a man. That was the decade I lost my virginity and learned how to survive on my own. It was the decade of baggy clothes and hip hop,grunge music and alternative life. When the overnight millionaire was made and Bill Clinton fell victim to every mans weakness. But if you happened to miss this golden era let me fill you in on the NINETIES EFFECTS!

Ice cube left N.W.A and set the new trend for gangsta rap,had us all practicing looking hard while hoping it was a good day. Nike had every ghetto kid in the head lock praying for Jordan’s till they came out with AIR MAXES. Karl Kani,Cross colors,Mecca and FUBU showed up then faded out. Seattle blessed us with grunge music,remember Kirk and Nirvana smelling like teen spirit? How bout blind melon,and Hootie and the blowfish. Then WU TANG clan wasn’t nothing to fuck with before the lady’s told Ol Dirty they got his money. But when No limit soldiers showed us how to get real independent money, Percy Miller birthed a new breed of hustlers. How about when E 40 gave us a whole new vernacular my weeples. Jay asked us could he live and Nas told us bout his street dreams.

Tupac told us about Brenda then explained his ambitions as a rider then told us why he ain’t mad at us. Biggie gave us Ten Crack Commandments and made the girls beg a fat black ugly dude for one more chance,that gave me inspiration there! I’m not going go on to much longer I just wanted the world to know we were more than gangs and crack. We were a generation that produced some of the most influential people and trends in life.

Never give

As I was at the dishwasher loading some plates with a lil to much chocolate on them I sparked a convo with my coworker. Well I really just started talking about all kinds of things and he kinda joined in. Well in the middle of the conversation he tells me that he lost both his baby girls to a house fire. It kinda blew me back because he was telling the story and holding his composure. I recently had a episode with my daughter that made me want to kinda give up,well not kinda but just give up. But after spraying off the chocolate and he finished his testimony,I felt bad. But not cause he lost his daughters because I know there is nothing i can do, because sympathy is almost like disrespect in some cases. But I felt bad because I wanted to give up on mine and just walk away. The stubborn attitude of two who share the same d.n.a can be fatal to the love that should be shared. The words he spoke mad me realize how silly I was not for feeling disappointed but for almost doing the one thing my mother never did to me. Which is give up, know I can truly appreciate all the love and dedication she gave so that I can become a man. So I’m a send a special thanks to my coworker for putting a charge back in my dead heart,and making me realize I can’t afford to lose this battle. So on that later and love you all!!

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